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Archive for the ‘Laughing’ Category

Scene 1: Wednesday night around 5:30pm after dropping Deuce off at Grandma Claire’s house. The weather is miserable and it is dark out. Mommy (me) is driving the MazdaCar while Dictator is jabbering to me from the backseat. We are on our way to a special Mommy/Dictator only dinner and then off to pre-school registration.

Dictator: Can I see a big yellow dog?

Mommy: If I see a big yellow dog I will point it out to you.

Dictator: Can I see a big black dog?

Mommy: If I see a big black dog Mommy can point it out to you.

Dictator: I never seen a blue dog before.

Mommy: No peanut, Mommy has never seen a blue dog before either.

Dictator: Dictator wants to see a blue dog.

Mommy: If I ever see a blue dog I will let you know OK?

Scene 2: Thursday 8:30am Mommy is in the shower, Deuce is dozing peacefully in the swing after her morning feeding and Dictator is busy playing trucks on the main floor. We are getting ready to meet a friend and do some shopping for the morning.

Dictator enters Mommy’s master bathroom.

Dictator: Dictator has never seen a blue dog before.

Mommy: Neither have I buddy (continue scrubbing shampoo in to head)

Dictator: Dictator has seen a purple dog.

Mommy thinks anything is possible with TV now at days and thinks nothing of it.

Mommy: Really? Where have you seen a purple dog?

Dictator: Dictator seen a red one too.

Mommy: That’s nice dear, are they on TV right now?

Dictator: No they are on Paprika!  LOOK IT HERE!!!!! WHATS GOING ON HERE???!!! (because he says ‘whats going on here’ all the time this week)

img_3411s1

Artistic rendition of painted dog.

Obviously:

  • My son didn’t care if he ever saw a blue dog, purple and red would do.
  • He obviously thought Mommy’s red toenails are pretty since he drew some on the dog.
  • Crayola washable markers may not come out of your dogs hair with just water – BUT a phone call to the lovely people at Crayola will tell you that copious amounts dish-soap will do wonders in this situation.
  • Given the speed of response from the Crayola staff they OBVIOUSLY had this question a number of times before.
  • The dude at Crayola laughed when he heard the dog was white (originally;  before the art experiment) and thought that it was an inviting blank canvas for a child to work on.
  • Paprika is obviously a patient (and NICE) dog to sit through the amount of coloring that was done in the 5 minutes I had been in the shower.
  • My son may have a future as a hairdresser given the nicely spaced out hi-lights that the dog was given. And because he loves shoes and purses…
  • I am an idiot for not taking a real photo before washing the dog.
  • My dog now smells like Palmolive soap – original formulation.

Conclusion:

I have not taken the markers out of reach because they are so totally washable, and I just can’t make material like this up so I need to let my 2 year old be the funny one.

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There is not enough room down there for anything anymore.

Today while sitting in bed doing some reading I peed. The Bed. I didn’t laugh or cough or sneeze, I was just reading some poorly written chick lit. And I peed. Initially I thought that maybe, just maybe my water had broken (because I don’t actually know what that is like since I was induced for The Dictators birth)  and that would just figure since Stewart was away at work at the time.

Thankfully just the duvet and cover got wet (and it wasn’t much) – but seriously folks I am 32 years old, you would think I would understand when to go to the damn bathroom already.

I need to get back to my regularly scheduled program of wiping ass and kicking the laundry pile (which is now bigger due to a king size goose down duvet and cover).

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What is worse – the big glasses or the fact the dress was found on the clearance rack for $8.00 at K-Mart and I thought it was hot since it was the first “adult” clothing I ever wore?

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Sing the following song to the tune of She’ll be Coming Around the Mountain

If he hands you something brown

it might be poop (it might be poop!)

If he hands you something brown

it might be poop (it might be poop!)

If he hands you something brown

and it’s stinky and it’s round

If he hands you something brown

it’s likely poop (it’s likely poop!).

Seriously. I was happy to have not popped it in my mouth thinking it was chocolate. In fact when he first handed it to me, I wondered where he got the chocolate from, alas, it was warm and stinky.

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The scene: I am at work and I need to pee. No biggie there are a ton of bathrooms to choose from and away I go to the bathroom. I get into the bathroom (in our staff room) and assume the position. All of a sudden there is this smell. Like fish. Honest to goodness I have never smelled such a thing before.

I lean forward and stick my nose downwards.

:sniff:sniff:

What the hell is that smell?

:sniff:sniff:sniff sniff sniff:

My gawd, I have heard of “if it tastes like Chicken keep on lickin’, if it tastes like trout get the hell out”, but what if it smells like Tuna?

:sniff:sniff:

Ugh. I disgust me. Is this why douches used to be so popular?

:sniff:

I need a plan, I can not work another 10 hours beside these people while giving off this smell. I think the drugstore across the street is open 24 hours, I can go get some Summers Eve or whatever women with this problem use. I can ask the Pharmacist!!!

:sniff:

Maybe this is a yeast infection? Maybe I can consult Dr. Google first? I never had one of those before…..

:sniff:sniff:

Ugh. If my va-jay-jay smells like this it has to also be on my underwear. Well, I can always spring for a 3 pack of Hanes Her Way old lady gonch at the drugstore… so gross to wear them without washing them first though.

:sniff:

I am so offending myself, I should go get a paper-towel and some soap and give it a wash-down before I rejoin society and go to the store. I smell worse then the homeless guy that pees on the bus stop outside the drugstore. That’s bad.

I wipe up and exit the bathroom. Out in the staffroom one of my new co-workers is making a snack and I sheepishly walk past her to the sink hoping she doesn’t smell me. Because my gawd that would be embarrassing. I make a little small talk and ask her what she has been making for her snack all this time in the lunchroom (because I could hear her while I was contemplating the funk in my forward ba-dunk-a-dunk).

A tuna salad.

Fresh from the can.

And here I thought it was me.

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And not in your hand, I would look like this: 



Try it for yourself at become an m&m.

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Swearing kids

Funny Stuff….

The Landlord

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