Archive for the ‘Family Matters – My Dad’ Category

There is one person you will rarely ever see me write about – and that is my Dad. I really don’t even talk about him much, because it just plain old makes me sad and shit I hate crying.


Three years ago today was my Fathers funeral, he was 50 years old. He died of Cancer seven months after he was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma. Lung Cancer. Very few things in the world say “you’re toast” faster then Lung cancer.

Am I bitter? Fuck yeah. Although there are so many things in the world that you have no control over, he could have stopped smoking many years ago (like maybe when I was diagnosed with allergies to the crap) – but no they never did give up the white trash sticks cigarettes.

Do I feel like I got ripped off? Abso-fucking-lutely. My Dad will never see me get married, and never met The Dictator or my dog. I know it sounds trivial, but when someone is missing in your life these things become very important.

Do I feel like my son got ripped off? For sure I do, my Dad would have been the greatest Grandpa around.

There is always silver lining to every cloud though:

  • He didn’t suffer or deteriorate much before he died, in fact he died so quickly that it shocked us all
  • My Mom was left in a good financial position
  • She quit smoking
  • He met the man who is the father to my child and who I may eventually marry
  • He saw me finish school
  • He saw us purchase our first home
  • Eventually we all got on with our lives

What bothers me most now is that I am starting to forget. I forget how he smelled when he was getting ready to go out with my Mom (although the smell of Zest soap still can do me in quickly). I forget how he laughed. Most disturbing of all, I forget what his voice sounded like – and that kills me. I don’t want to forget those things.

Needless to say, Valentines Day is pretty much ignored in this house now.


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Valentines Day used to be a day of chocolates, flowers and swanky nights out in our home; until two years ago.

Today on Valentines Day I want to take an idea from a fellow blogger and reflect on the men in my life that matter, or that really mattered in some way or another (in no particular order, since we all know my baby is number 1). Thanks a bunch for the idea Karen.

1. ManToy. I never knew there could be someone in the world who could accept me for who I am, for as long as he has. He takes me as I am and calls me on all my bullshit when I am less then I could be and will always push me to be more then I ever imagine I could be, and for that I love him dearly.

2. My Gido. A cantankerous old man with parkinsons disease who is bitter about the world and the hand he has been delt, yet he shows nothing but patience and love for his grandchildren and great-grandson. Gido, I will never forget catching my first fish with you (even though it was your fishing rod that I was holding at the time while you pulled the seaweed out of mine) or how you always shake my son’s hand to say hello.

3. LittleMan. You have taught me endless pateince, unconditional love and instilled in me a fearless and ferocious overprotective fight to the death instinct. Thanks a bundle LittleMan, I never knew I had it in me.

4. Uncle M. You are probably going to live with Baba and Gido for the rest of their lives. You are fun, funny and generous with yor time, money and love. How are you not married with your own kids now?

5. Dad. You always wanted me to be better then I ever thought I could be. You were formally uneducated, yet the smartest man I ever could know. You came from a family full of poverty, violence, neglect and abuse yet I always felt wealthy, loved and cherished. You knew you were flawed yet wanted to do better, to be better for you family. You were so proud when I decided to return to school, and prouder yet when I financed myself through blood, sweat, tears and scholorships. You made me confident and strong, not a girl to be pushed around. You made me thoughtful and giving and willing to reach out to others. You taught me not to sweat the small stuff, and you can’t take it with you when you die so have fun now. Sure we did not always agree on little things but when it comes to the big picture, nothing else really mattered. Thanks a bunch Dad, you and Mom are the reason I am who I am today…………..

Two years ago today was my Dad’s funeral. He died of cancer. From diagnoses to death we had seven months with him, and really never any hope of long term survival. He faced his illness with hope, courage and humor; he faced his death with acceptance and peace.

Valentines day will never be the same in our home again. Ever.

Today ManToy and I went shopping, ate chocolate and left LittleMan with my Mom (she probably needed the distraction) while we galevanted around the city. It was the only way for me not to spend my day in tears.

Hug your loved ones today you never know what tomorrow will bring.

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