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Archive for the ‘Busting a Gut’ Category

There is not enough room down there for anything anymore.

Today while sitting in bed doing some reading I peed. The Bed. I didn’t laugh or cough or sneeze, I was just reading some poorly written chick lit. And I peed. Initially I thought that maybe, just maybe my water had broken (because I don’t actually know what that is like since I was induced for The Dictators birth)  and that would just figure since Stewart was away at work at the time.

Thankfully just the duvet and cover got wet (and it wasn’t much) – but seriously folks I am 32 years old, you would think I would understand when to go to the damn bathroom already.

I need to get back to my regularly scheduled program of wiping ass and kicking the laundry pile (which is now bigger due to a king size goose down duvet and cover).

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I love to blog, really I do. BUT, I find the Mommy bloggers out there are divided into two distinct groups:

  • those who read the books (which I like to call the fear mongering books), know it all and are not afraid to tell you how to do it (this group can usually be found bitching at Linda and Kristin in the Parent Dish comment section)
  • those who are getting by day by day and happily bend the rules in the books to their advantage and personal sanity

I confess I am definitely one of the latter group. Here are my confessions:

  • My son had a bottle at every nap and bedtime until he was 18 moths old
  • He also was on formula until 18 months old
  • My son almost never slept through the night (and remember my medical specialty is Sleep!) until he was 18 months old – I got up nightly to feed him, sometimes several times (feel free to cry a little tear for Stewart and I)
  • The Dictator still has a soother – though mostly at bedtime
  • I let my child watch The Backyardigans so I can put away laundry
  • The Dictator gets to play in the tub beside out shower while I am in the shower
  • I give him chocolate sometimes to bribe him to be good
  • Ditto with the gum
  • And the mints
  • I am excited my son likes Bologna – because he hates meat. I think deli meat is better then nothing at all….
  • I have to hide vegi’s in his food to get him to eat enough
  • I make many of his meals in advance and freeze them so I do not have to cook from scratch every day
  • I am pleased he likes cucumbers because they are easy to make – some kids steal a banana at the grocery store to munch on. Me? I unwrap a cucumber and he goes hog wild.
  • I let him have temper tantrums – because some days I have no idea what to do about them
  • I threaten him with time outs when he is acting up – and usually follow through if the behavior continues
  • I put tape over some of his toys speakers so I do not have to listen to the noise
  • The Dictator gets to play on the deck while I stay in the house to wash dishes
  • He eats ice cream most days after dinner
  • I still rock him to sleep at nap time (because I like love to – not that I have to)
  • He still eats baby cereal as a bedtime snack
  • When we are out and about all of his snacks are usually the “pre-packaged” variety
  • I add chocolate milk to regular milk on the days he refuses to drink just plain old milk
  • At dinner, we have been known to give him apple juice or milk in a small wineglass so he won’t ask for our wineglasses

I am sure I could add way more to the list. For the Moms out there what are your parenting confessions?

Photo taken at 9am, going to bed after a long night at the hospital.

And to round it all up – a personal confession of my own.

  • Some days I drink wine at 9am after a long night shift at work before heading off to bed.

I am an awesome Mom, really. Just ask my adoring son 🙂

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The scene: I am at work and I need to pee. No biggie there are a ton of bathrooms to choose from and away I go to the bathroom. I get into the bathroom (in our staff room) and assume the position. All of a sudden there is this smell. Like fish. Honest to goodness I have never smelled such a thing before.

I lean forward and stick my nose downwards.

:sniff:sniff:

What the hell is that smell?

:sniff:sniff:sniff sniff sniff:

My gawd, I have heard of “if it tastes like Chicken keep on lickin’, if it tastes like trout get the hell out”, but what if it smells like Tuna?

:sniff:sniff:

Ugh. I disgust me. Is this why douches used to be so popular?

:sniff:

I need a plan, I can not work another 10 hours beside these people while giving off this smell. I think the drugstore across the street is open 24 hours, I can go get some Summers Eve or whatever women with this problem use. I can ask the Pharmacist!!!

:sniff:

Maybe this is a yeast infection? Maybe I can consult Dr. Google first? I never had one of those before…..

:sniff:sniff:

Ugh. If my va-jay-jay smells like this it has to also be on my underwear. Well, I can always spring for a 3 pack of Hanes Her Way old lady gonch at the drugstore… so gross to wear them without washing them first though.

:sniff:

I am so offending myself, I should go get a paper-towel and some soap and give it a wash-down before I rejoin society and go to the store. I smell worse then the homeless guy that pees on the bus stop outside the drugstore. That’s bad.

I wipe up and exit the bathroom. Out in the staffroom one of my new co-workers is making a snack and I sheepishly walk past her to the sink hoping she doesn’t smell me. Because my gawd that would be embarrassing. I make a little small talk and ask her what she has been making for her snack all this time in the lunchroom (because I could hear her while I was contemplating the funk in my forward ba-dunk-a-dunk).

A tuna salad.

Fresh from the can.

And here I thought it was me.

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I would ever say the following as a mother: 

No Rito! Do NOT put your maracas in the central vac outlet!

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One of my favorite bloggers is Secret Agent Josephine. She writes these long posts about her life living in her rented home on the beach with her talented photographer husband and cute little Baby Bug. I am usually envious of her trips to Starbucks and Sprinkles Cupcake Bakery but today I have another reason to be envious. She has put into pictures and graphs what I have spent HOURS trying to explain to people. 

Behold the Toddler Batteries Chart. A sheer work of genius.  
Toddler Batteries

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Thanks to Brenda for letting me add it to my blog. Even the times are almost bang on for Rito’s daily performances. I may be giving this chart to everyone that takes care of my little guy. 

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For reasons known to me and a few others, I found these stupid funny. Homer gets all hopped up an Ambien and turns into a zombie. Watch them in order.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbzr4DDKSxM”>

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