Today while sitting in the bathtub (blissfully alone) I started thinking about how different this pregnancy is compared to my first pregnancy. Now, don’t get me wrong I totally understand that every pregnancy is different but seriously folks? I feel like I am incubating a pissed off angry rabid cat in a burlap sack over here in my uterus. I don’t remember this part when I was pregnant with the Dictator.
Then: Spend 5 months with head in toilet puking, lose 20-30 pounds. Net total pregnancy gain from starting point 1-5 pounds.
Now: Minimal morning sickness, at 6 months a total weight gain of 8 pounds. Not bad but SHOOT there is 3 months to go.
Then: Religiously avoid all the no-no foods for pregnant women; no sushi, no deli meats, no fast food, minimal salt, no booze and no caffeine. Am the Saint Teresa of pregnant women.
Now: Who came up with these rules? Sure I still do the decaf coffee but I have had deli meats (damn Maple Leaf and their Listeria outbreak), fast food, some salt and could really go for some raw tuna any time now. Also? Can someone please make a decent alcohol free white wine? Am the fat Kirstie Alley of the pregnant set.
Then: Completely normal bladder function. Not peeing every 5 minutes.
Now: Looking for adult diaper coupons on the internet. Almost.
Then: No waddleling when I walked. Could still navigate the world in high heels.
Now: Doing an impressive penguin impersonation. Even starting to point toes outward when walking. Contemplating investing in a pair of Croc’s, because feet are getting fat and hurty.
Then: Worked full time nights for my entire pregnancy with minimal difficulty. Minimal aches and pains.
Now: Really want to start maternity leave 3 months early because I don’t think I can hack it much longer,also note I only work 2 nights a week now. Body feels like it is breaking in half. Also, patience for patients is wearing mighty thin.
Then: Made a playlist on the iPod for the car called Bunn Listenin’; music that I could listen to while pregnant. No profane lyrics, more indie-rock and Frank Sinatra then anything else. Imagined my child coming out all groovy, cultured and telling everyone he thought our generation was lacking a Frank Sinatra.
Now: Backyardigans. Elmo’s Greatest Hits. When driving to work I listen to talk radio or nothing at all – because my god I love the silence. Also, I have a two year old in the backseat yacking non-stop. Who has time for music in the car?
Then: Delusions of having a home full of wooden toys, home made crafts done together on rainy days and very little brightly colored baby crap.
Now: Stocking up on batteries to put into brightly colored baby/toddler crap. Built a separate room to store said crap. Anything that holds The Dictator’s attention span for longer then 3 minutes is GOLD people. PURE GOLD. Plus, wooden toys are FREAKING EXPENSIVE.
Then: More delusions of going into labor naturally and having a drug free childbirth. HAHAHAHA. Reality: Induced on a Friday after lunch baby born on a Sunday right before midnight. 62+ hours total. Epidural = FAIL. Did not work. Virtual drug free childbirth? Been There Done That Over-rated.
Now: Bowel movement, contraction, headaches, PMS WHATEVER. Bring me the drugs and dammit make sure they work this time OK
My goodness I am sure there is more to add here but a girl has to go to work you know?
P.S. Deuce? My right Kidney is not a pillow – much appreciated if you could keep your big noggin (assuming you have a huge head like your big brother) off of it. OK? In 3 months you can cause me all the pain in the world that you please – but right now? Mama needs a little break from the kidney bangin’.